It's Japanese for "Run for your lives!"

By now, you've probably seen a commercial or two for the Fushigi Magic Gravity Ball. Contact juggler The Amazing Kenny demonstrates how to make the ball appear to float. Random passers by of all ages shout their praises for Fushigi. My 7-year old wants one. And why not? It floats! It levitates! The ad claims that it's relaxing. Even therapeutic!

We all know that things on TV are meant to look better than they really are to attract as many suckers (like my father, who bought one for her) as

possible. And sure, the 5 microscopic lines of type in the middle of the ad are a red flag that this thing isn't what it seems. But the reality of the deception comes when you try to use it. Once my daughter tossed it aside, whining, "it's not floating," I read the enclosed information sheet.

Remember Happy Fun Ball? Remember all the ridiculous warnings that came with it? That's nothing compared to Fushigi:

• FUSHIGI™ is not a toy. We suggest that you do not place FUSHIGI™ in the hands of anyone under 12 years old."

It actually says that. Not "not for children under 12." Don't even put it in their hands! And I have no idea why it's capitalized like that.

• Do not work with your FUSHIGI™ over tile, stone, or hard wood floors as if (sic) FUSHIGI™ is dropped, damage to the floor surface is sure to happen.

They don't hedge their bets, do they? Usually, damage "may" happen. But the Fushigi people are sure of it. And then they follow up with:

• "Do not handle your FUSHIGI™ over a table top, desk, and especially any glass top surface."

Ha! "Handle your Fushigi." That's funny.

They go on to tell you to

• practice over carpeting
• master your hand manipulations before practicing over concrete or pavement
• not attempt to pass FUSHIGI™ to another person via any airborne maneuver
• never assume that any other person possesses more proficient skills to yourself so tandem maneuvers are not suggested

This sounds like a bad pharmaceutical ad. But wait! There's more!

• Never attempt any maneuver where the FUSHIGI™ Magic Gravity Ball is suspended over your head for any period of time. Serious injury may occur.

"May" occur? Floor damage is a certainty but head damage could go either way.

Other than all of that, have fun with your Fushigi! But first, heed these extra warnings:

• Always use Fushigi™ (lowercase this time) indoors or under cover of shade
• Exposure to sunlight or intense heat may cause your Fushigi™ to become hot

There are a few warnings about storage, your eyes, keeping it away from children, and best of all:

• FUSHIGI™ may posses (one 's' for some reason) certain magnification properties in specific conditions during extended use in direct sunlight.

So there's something about using it for long periods of time in direct sunlight that will cause it to magnify things? What the hell is this thing made out of?

Just remember, do not taunt Fushigi Magic Gravity Ball. And make sure your insurance is paid up.

I'm in!!!

Great minds...

Howard Herman, a sportswriter for the Berkshire Eagle, wrote this article about A-Rod a few days after I posted my own rant. It's written better than mine so I'll assume he didn't copy me.

Oh Enough Already

Hey, have you heard? Alex Rodriguez took steroids 6 years ago. So did over a hundred other players, but no one cares about that. Everyone cares that A-Rod did it because A-Rod is a superstar. If some journeyman pitcher or some scratch hitter got caught, it wouldn't be a big deal. But Alex did it so it's the collapse of baseball as we know it.

When Barry Bonds was accused, we weren't surprised. When Mark McGwire confessed, we were disappointed. When Jason Giambi sort of fessed up, no one cared. The jury's still out on Roger Clemens, but when Andy Pettitte admitted it, he was immediately forgiven. Now Alex Rodriguez has admitted it and he has been vilified by everyone from the guy at the corner newsstand to the President of the United States. If the death penalty were allowed for this, he certainly would have been sentenced to death. Bud Selig, Commissioner of Baseball, said that A-Rod "shamed the game." The other 103 players who tested positive in 2003 didn't shame the game. They just took steroids. But Alex Rodriguez? He took steroids! See the difference? Of course not. Well William Shakespeare said it best:

Much ado about nothing.

What's the big deal here? A-Rod's not the first player to test positive for steroids. Other superstars have been caught. So is it that A-Rod is an active player and guys like McGwire and Palmiero are retired? Well Pettitte and Giambi are active and no one's calling for their heads. Is it because he makes so much money? What do you care? It's not your money. Let the owners be mad. Maybe it's because he lied. After all, Pettitte confessed and everyone loved and admired him. A-Rod confessed but no one's forgiving him. He's certainly not the first person to do something wrong and then lie about it. Billions of people do that every day. So why is Alex Rodriguez being beat up like this? Everyone loved Michael Jordan. Then he got caught in a gambling thing. And what happened? Nothing! What about all the players who did drugs in the 80's? Minor suspensions and then all was forgiven. So why isn't A-Rod being forgiven? He's not running around denying it like Bonds and Clemens. Shouldn't we be moving on?

Forget that the results of A-Rod's test were supposed to remain anonymous under the agreement in 2003. Forget that someone leaked those confidential results. He tested positive. He denied it. Then he admitted it. Unless you're going to release the names of every player who has ever tested positive and then put them through the ringer, move on. You want to put asterisks next to the names of every player who set a record in the "Steroids Era"? Fine. Whatever. But A-Rod didn't do anything worse than hundreds of other players have already done. So back off already and let's play ball.

One of the Good Guys

There's a scene in "The Godfather" that takes place at a funeral.  Don Vito Corleone has died and there are throngs of people there to pay their respects.  But they were probably only there to be seen, not to actually pay respects.  That, plus they were plotting to kill Michael.  But the point is that you only see that many people at a funeral when someone important and well-respected has died.  And this happened early this week.

Alan Rose died early this week.  And while people die all the time, this one never should have happened.  People like Al aren't supposed to die.

You'd come up empty if you tried to find someone who didn't like him.  It really wasn't possible.  The fact that there were literally hundreds of people at the funeral speaks volumes.  The fact that the house was crammed with hundreds of mourners making a shiva call is a tribute to the impact Alan had on all of us.  I went last night and I actually couldn't find a place to park my car.  Everyone remarked on how they'd never seen anything like it.  He was constantly running in to people he knew, but that's because it seemed that he knew everyone.

"Uncle Al" lived his life the right way.  In the years I was lucky to know him, I can't ever recall him not smiling.  Every photograph I saw of him last night showed a happy, smiling man.  He was always surrounded by friends and was very close to his family.  They all vacationed together—his wife, daughters, sons in law and grandchildren.  Alan was content and after working hard his whole life, got the chance to retire and continue living the happy, active live most people covet. It's almost a cliche that Alan collapsed while playing his beloved tennis...died doing what he loved.  He lived well and, I suppose, he died well.

I admire Alan for his impossibly optimistic outlook on life.  He could find joy in everything.  And he made all the people he touched a little happier.  I would love to live my life the way Alan lived his.  The world was a better place while Alan was in it.  I said before that people like Alan aren't supposed to die.  If people continue to feel his impact the way I do, well, maybe he didn't die after all.