Where's My Damned Quarter?

I blame myself.

One way to make money on the streets of Manhattan is to stick your fingers in every pay phone coin return you see. Now, this is back in the days before cell phones made phone booths virtually obsolete. It's also back when saying "stick your fingers in every coin return" wasn't such a hilarious thing to say. But back in the day, you can be sure that every homeless person, and my grandfather, was searching for forgotten change in the coin returns of various pay phones in and around the New York City area. Personally, I always came up empty in my searches. It was such an easy thing to do and you barely had to stop walking when you did it.

I wish I had written this last week.

Obviously, some searcher of loose change overestimated how easy the search is. Or maybe he got angry at not finding anything in the return. Either way, this incident could have been avoided had I written this earlier. Then again, would someone who could do this to a phone booth have access to a computer? Probably not.

Blast From The Past

I tend to get pretty nostalgic from time to time, perhaps lamenting the loss of my Peter Frampton cassette a little too much. I found an old journal I kept when I was in first grade and read that from marbled cover to marbled cover (I had pizza on April 18th, 1975). And then there are the journals I kept about 10 years ago—an example of emotionally destructive nostalgia.

But it was a recent iPhone sync attempt that brought me back just a few years. It turns out that around 550 of my songs were purchased under a different iTunes account. Not only do I not remember having a different account, but it means I've

spent at least $550 on music. Holy living crap.

But I digress.

So I manage to log onto my old Hotmail account which hasn't been used in, like, forever. I wonder how long it took for the account to get shut down?

Turns out it never was! More nostalgia! Almost 40,000 unanswered e-mails.

• There are the e-mails from Gary Hart and Howard Dean back in '05 which reminded me of how pissed I was that Bush won in '04.
• The e-mails from Atkins in '06. I guess I was on a zero carb kick.
• A ton of e-mails from Rolling Stone, which made me remember how I thought I'd be more relevant by getting e-mails from a magazine like Rolling Stone.
• An e-mail from MGM on the day Basic Instinct 2 came out (3/31/06).
• My friend Laura sent me an e-mail last summer, reminding me of the time we met at Coney Island for the Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest. 2001, I think. It was the first time Kobayashi competed and the last time the average person could wander around and stand wherever they wanted (last year, over 40,000 spectators showed up).
• Lots of offers of dream dates and stripper movies.
• Sadly, a large number of job opportunities from monster.com and careerbuilder.com. I'm afraid to look at them.

Waxing nostalgic is supposed to remind one of the good old days. I'm not so sure that's the case here. I'll have to check on some of the dream dates e-mails to be sure.

Submitted For Your Approval

Ahh, new year's eve. It's time to reflect on the past year, put down your wishes for the next one, and focus on what''s important: the annual Twilight Zone marathon on SyFy.

WPIX used to handle this pop culture extravaganza and SyFy appropriately picked it up a few years ago. Now it's the one thing I look forward to at the end of every year. The show is spooky enough but what's really spooky is that every year, I manage to see an episode I've never seen before. How is that possible? (cue famous theme song)

You can get a schedule of all this year's episodes here. I personally can't wait for December 31st at 7. And 7:30. The one at 11:30 is awesome. And just about every episode from 3:30 pm to 11:30 pm on the 1st. It's probably more than a little pathetic that I'd rather sit here on the couch watching TV than celebrating the new year but then again, look who we're talking about.

I wonder, out of 156 episodes, how many dealt with someone making some deal with the devil? How many took place on some far away planet that, in the end, turned out to be earth?

So which one is your favorite? Burgess Meredith and the broken eyeglasses? William Shatner and the fortune teller? Or the airplane? Jack Klugman and Jonathan Winters playing pool? Telly Savalas and the talking doll?

IT'S A COOKBOOK!!!!!!!!!!

It's Japanese for "Run for your lives!"

By now, you've probably seen a commercial or two for the Fushigi Magic Gravity Ball. Contact juggler The Amazing Kenny demonstrates how to make the ball appear to float. Random passers by of all ages shout their praises for Fushigi. My 7-year old wants one. And why not? It floats! It levitates! The ad claims that it's relaxing. Even therapeutic!

We all know that things on TV are meant to look better than they really are to attract as many suckers (like my father, who bought one for her) as

possible. And sure, the 5 microscopic lines of type in the middle of the ad are a red flag that this thing isn't what it seems. But the reality of the deception comes when you try to use it. Once my daughter tossed it aside, whining, "it's not floating," I read the enclosed information sheet.

Remember Happy Fun Ball? Remember all the ridiculous warnings that came with it? That's nothing compared to Fushigi:

• FUSHIGI™ is not a toy. We suggest that you do not place FUSHIGI™ in the hands of anyone under 12 years old."

It actually says that. Not "not for children under 12." Don't even put it in their hands! And I have no idea why it's capitalized like that.

• Do not work with your FUSHIGI™ over tile, stone, or hard wood floors as if (sic) FUSHIGI™ is dropped, damage to the floor surface is sure to happen.

They don't hedge their bets, do they? Usually, damage "may" happen. But the Fushigi people are sure of it. And then they follow up with:

• "Do not handle your FUSHIGI™ over a table top, desk, and especially any glass top surface."

Ha! "Handle your Fushigi." That's funny.

They go on to tell you to

• practice over carpeting
• master your hand manipulations before practicing over concrete or pavement
• not attempt to pass FUSHIGI™ to another person via any airborne maneuver
• never assume that any other person possesses more proficient skills to yourself so tandem maneuvers are not suggested

This sounds like a bad pharmaceutical ad. But wait! There's more!

• Never attempt any maneuver where the FUSHIGI™ Magic Gravity Ball is suspended over your head for any period of time. Serious injury may occur.

"May" occur? Floor damage is a certainty but head damage could go either way.

Other than all of that, have fun with your Fushigi! But first, heed these extra warnings:

• Always use Fushigi™ (lowercase this time) indoors or under cover of shade
• Exposure to sunlight or intense heat may cause your Fushigi™ to become hot

There are a few warnings about storage, your eyes, keeping it away from children, and best of all:

• FUSHIGI™ may posses (one 's' for some reason) certain magnification properties in specific conditions during extended use in direct sunlight.

So there's something about using it for long periods of time in direct sunlight that will cause it to magnify things? What the hell is this thing made out of?

Just remember, do not taunt Fushigi Magic Gravity Ball. And make sure your insurance is paid up.

I'm in!!!