It's Not Cute When A Kid Can't Spell!

I have a bunch of ideas for future blogs but so far, they remain just ideas.  I get some inspiration from this guy, though. Enjoy.  I'll be back with new blogs...eventually.

The Breaking Point, or So What Do I Do Now?

There’s an old joke about a religious woman caught in a flood.  The river keeps rising to the point that the woman is forced to seek refuge on the roof of her small home.  She looks to the sky, clutches her Bible, and says, “oh Lord, if you could see it in your limitless benevolence to show mercy to an old woman like myself, I’d be eternally grateful.”  In the middle of her praying, a Red Cross boat motors up to the home and the men offer to help the woman.

“No thank you, sonny. The Lord will rescue me.”

The river keeps rising and the woman is getting nervous.  The water is reaching her knees.  Shaking her Bible towards the heavens, she yells, “uh, Lord?  I hate to bother you again but I could really use a hand here.  Please help me so I can continue to do your work down here on Earth.”  While she’s shaking her Bible, another boat motors up to the home and the men offer to help the woman. 

“That’s very kind of you boys but I’ve spoken to the Lord and I have a ride coming.”

Things are getting perilous now.  The water is approaching the woman’s shoulders and shows no sign of stopping.  She defiantly holds her Bible above the water and shouts, “your mighty Omnipotence, have mercy upon an old woman and deliver me from the rising waters you have delivered upon the land.”  Again, a boat approaches the woman and insists on bringing her to safety.  But again, she refuses.  The boat motors off and in a few minutes, the old woman drowns.

There is much consternation up in Heaven over this.  The angels approach G-d and cry, “why didn’t you listen when your faithful servant cried out for help?”

“Not listen?” exclaims G-d.  “I sent her 3 boats!”

Some people spend a lot of time seeking the meaning of life, or, at least, the meaning of their lives. They read books, take seminars, seek advice from friends, and sometimes even pray.  But the answer never seems to come.  Or maybe it does but we're too blind to see it.  Ideally, the answer would take the shape of something tangible that leaves no doubt to knowing which path to take when you come to a fork in the road.  But life is far from ideal.

I've wasted years trying to find the meaning of my life.  Convinced I took a wrong turn at some point in the past, I've looked around and spent chunks of money hoping to find that one thing that will make me stop complaining all the time.  But what if it already came?  What if I've been looking too hard for some sign that I've found the answer—or that there is no answer and I'm on the right path already?  So without that sign, I keep looking and occasionally find something that seems to be the answer.  But then I don't act on it.  It's as if the sign for which I'm looking is not only tangible, but needs to hit me on the head with a tangible baseball bat to get me to move.  What's it going to take either to get me to make a move or stop looking?

Overly dramatic portrayal
of undiscovered law

Newton's first law of motion basically states that an object that is at rest will stay at rest unless an unbalanced force acts upon it. It's a fact of nature.  You can't change it.  Laws of nature are so fixed that insurance companies have clauses written into policies that recognize this fact.  But is it possible for a body to remain at rest even when pushed by some kind of force?  It doesn't seem possible and yet looking back, I realize that I've become that body.  I've been pushed several times and yet I haven't moved.  So is there some malicious force that won't let me move? Or is there an undiscovered law that knows when a body shouldn't move so it keeps it at rest?

I sucked at science so it's funny that I'm using it in an attempt to explain myself to myself.

It's obvious to me that something has to break.  I think I've hit that point where I need to decide because the way I've been doing all these years doesn't seem to work.  Then again, I made this decision a few weeks ago and am just now getting around to writing about it.  So much for forward motion.

It's time for me to get off my ass.  I haven't been able to do it yet, but I'm leaning forward and my feet are planted.  Anyone who sees me would think that I'm getting ready to stand up.  Or throw up.  I need to work on my facial gestures.

The holidays are here again, bringing in all sorts of annual traditions. There's the house down the road with way too many lights. The physical assaults at WalMart on Black Friday. The traffic that keeps me stuck on busses for hours at a time. But it's not all bad, for no matter your religion, occupation, social standing, or political affiliation (well, maybe not that last one), there's one tradition we all share: the annual broadcast of "It's A Wonderful Life."

A tradition that goes along with this broadcast is my posting of an old blog describing my frustrations with Hollywood's biggest sap: George Bailey. Yeah, he does a lot of nice things but...okay, before I get all riled up, I'll just post the old blog.

Enjoy this year's broadcast, tonight on NBC at 8 pm.  Or enjoy it on Christmas Eve. Or both. Either way, have a merry Christmas Bedford Falls!

Search At Your Own Risk, or, You Call That A Manatee?

My daughter is working on a report for school on the manatee. She loves to draw but she also wants real pictures so I introduced her to the wonders of Google Images.  She types "manatee" and Google's recognition software gives her a bunch of options, including "manatees kissing."  She thinks this is a riot and clicks on it.  Sure enough, the screen fills with photographs and illustrations of manatees kissing, snuggling up to each other, interacting with humans, etc.  And then father down, we get this:

Sea World has changed since
the last time I was there.

Now countless times in my career, I've hit the stock photography sites for specific images I needed to sell an idea or spruce up a storyboard.  And I'd always come across a few pictures that had nothing to do with my original search request.  But this was a little surprising.  I guess "manatees kissing" is very similar to "man kissing."  In fact, the farther down the page you go, the more images like the above you'll see.

Fortunately, my daughter thought it was a riot and we moved on.

Now our search was for some manatee predators.  We found a great image of a manatee and a shark. And it turns out that humans are considered predators of the manatee, solely because of motor boats and jet skis.  The majestic sea cows tend to get sliced up in the propellers.  So we type "people on motorboats," hoping to find some rowdy humans on an obnoxious cigarette speed boat or something.  We found a couple of good images and we should have quit while we were ahead.  But we kept looking down the page and came across this:

The thing is, I get the
 motorboat connection here.

I'll be studying this phenomena a little further and I'll report back to you.

Sour Grapes, or, No I don't Have The Receipt

Many of us have had to deal with professional photographers at some point in our lives. These equipment-laden professionals are as necessary as a heart-shaped ice sculpture at a wedding (or an angry relative at a Bar Mitzvah), despite the proliferation of digital cameras employed by every guest in attendance.  For the most part, they do an excellent job but every once in awhile, we hear a story about a photographer who took off without delivering the contractually-promised pictures and the outraged couple left holding the bag.

As soon as a crime like this is discovered, the victims spring into action. Police are called, investigators are hired, and, in extreme cases, the local news consumer advocate is sent on the case, often returning with video footage of said advocate having a door slammed in his face or being side-swiped by a fleeing scam artist.  The point is, all this happens within days of discovering the crime.

A recent story in the New York Times discussed marriage and lawsuits—two things Americans hold sacred.  It's the familiar story: a man disappointed in the results of his wedding album is demanding retribution.  And retribution he should get!  After all, the photographer missed the last dance and the bouquet toss (things which, I'm sure, seem like the most important moments in the world but after a few years are revealed to be stupid). The groom is not only demanding the $4,100 cost of the photography, but an additional $48,000 to restage the final moments of the wedding and have the pictures retaken. Odd, but not completely unreasonable.

The wrinkle in this nuptial nightmare (yeah, I know) is that the wedding took place in 2003. The lawsuit was filed in 2009.  Why did this guy wait 6 years to sue?  Reading the article reveals that the groom had been unemployed since 2008 and the statute of limitations was about to expire.  Aha!  Motive!  The guy needs money!! So I'm thinking that there's no way the participants look the same as they did 6 years ago.

Actual Latvian women. Thanks, Google Images! 

But that's the least of the problem.  You see, the couple split up in 2008.  And the bride's whereabouts are unknown.  It's believed that she moved back home to Latvia but no one's sure.

Okay, let's recap.

• A wedding album is missing some important pictures.
• The groom wants to restage the wedding in order to capture those pictures.
• The wedding occurred 8 years ago
• The couple split up 3 years ago
• The bride is somewhere in Eastern Europe

For once, a little justice may have prevailed. A judge has dismissed most of the grounds of this suit, except for breach of contract.  So for the moment, a ridiculous suit has been revealed for what it is—a desperate grab for money.

I was happy to read that this whole thing may end up going away.  From the facts presented in the article, this whole thing is a waste of the court's time.  I can't imagine the guy actually expects to restage the wedding.  I mean, who's he gonna get to play his wife?

A few months ago, or maybe it was a couple of years ago,  I was called for jury duty for the first time.  After the requisite sitting around and silently mocking the people around me, I was called to a courtroom and voir dired. I was asked about lawsuits.  Soon after my answer about how I think there are too many frivolous lawsuits for inordinate amounts of money, I was dismissed by the prosecuting attorney--the same one who was trying to get a chunk of money for his client involved in a minor fender bender.  G-d bless America!