Monday, October 16, 2006

Yes, I Can Hear You. Now Shut The F*&% Up!

The evolution of the cellular telephone, show here through the magic of stock photography.

In 1951, an American named Walter O'Reilly was the clerk of a MASH unit in Korea. Any communications between Corporal O'Reilly and Sparky at ICorps was conducted via a crude telephone unit which had to be cranked up and screamed into.

In 1987, then-Wall Street power mogul Gordon Gekko summoned greedy protege Bud Fox at sunrise from the shores of eastern Long Island. He was using a phone the size of a shoe box.

In 2006, the jackass sitting behind me on the 194 bus from the Port Authority Bus Terminal to the Wayne Park and Ride is firming up his plans for the evening and speaking loud enough for the entire bus to hear him.

It's been 20 years since the world's richest men had to use two hands to talk on a portable phone. Technology has improved astronomically. Just about everyone in the world has a cell phone and those phones range in size from tiny to minuscule Yet while the phones have become more sophisticated the people using them haven't. And while I don't plan on ranting about the downfall of common decency, I do have to wonder when privacy became as unimportant as the appendix.

Remember when eavesdropping was considered to be rude? I mean, if it were widely accepted, we wouldn't need any spies. I guess when it's thrust upon you so as to make it unavoidable, it's okay. If I were to turn around and stare at a loud-cellphone-talker, I'd probably get punched for making my point. Yet these people, having embraced the technology of wireless communication, haven't grasped that it is no longer necessary to scream as if you're trying to get the local gossip from Mabel the Town Operator.

Here's the thing: I don't care what you're doing tonight. I don't care what you want for dinner. I don't care who you ran into today. You'll be home soon so unless you're on fire, shut the f*&% up. And one more thing: wait hang on, my phone is ringing.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Who The Hell Cares? Chapter 1

According to an article in the October 13th issue of "The Week", researchers have not only discovered the identity of the Mona Lisa, but they've also determined that she was pregnant when she posed for Leonardo DaVinci.

Who the hell cares?

Apparently, French and Canadian researchers used lasers to determine that the subject was wearing a "thin gauze veil of a type worn in Florence by new or expectant mothers." The Mona Lisa is actually Lisa Gherardini, wife of a Florentine merchant and mother of five.

Who the hell cares?

This is already the most famous painting in the world. Zillions of people flock to the Louvre each year to see it. It's been the subject of books and one movie which pissed off an entire religion. Is this new insight going to do anything else for the reputation of DaVinci's painting? No!

Lisa Gherardini was pregnant with her 6th child. Who the hell cares?

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Interview With Gordon Sims

Joining the staff here at Greetings From Suburbia is a guy who goes by the alias of Gordon Sims. Gordon is a writer in his own right and has made appearances as a roving reporter on the Buckley & Potfry Experiment and will be bringing his unique look at the world to you from time to time at Gordon Sims Sez with occasional sightings on the very funny The Nose On Your Face. I recently had the chance to sit down with Mr. Sims to get his thoughts on this new venture.

Me: Hi Gordon. Welcome to Greetings From Suburbia.

Gordon: Yeah, thanks.

Me: Why Gordon Sims?

Gordon: It's Venus Flytrap's real name. Remember WKRP in Cincinnati? Good stuff. But I don't know why I chose that name. I'm not black. He wasn't my favorite character.

Me: The current blog here is all about observations and annoyances in and around suburban life. What can readers expect from your musings?

Gordon: Well, where you make fun of the people and things that are taken way too seriously, I do a similar thing with the news.

Me: Is it funny?

Gordon: No, it sucks. That's why I'm doing it. Of course it's funny.

Me: Who are your inspirations?

Gordon: I've always liked satire so I love The Onion or shows like The Daily Show or The Colbert Report. Let's be honest: there isn't much out there that is safe from satire. I mean, say what you will about the current political climate, but it's provided a lot of news for people like me to joke about and has probably spawned thousands of parody websites.

Me: I'm sorry, were you talking just now?

Gordon: Great. Just tell your readers to check me out at Gordon Sims Sez from time to time.

Me: I will. Thanks for coming by and good luck.

Gordon: You talk to yourself much?

Monday, October 02, 2006

Where Is Everybody?

October 2, 2006. 10 Tishrei, 5767.

Today is Yom Kippur, a solemn day which Jews celebrate by fasting and atoning for a year's worth of sins. And everyone else celebrates with closed schools, easier commutes, ample parking and less crowded diners during lunch time.

You're welcome.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Who Am I Today?

Okay, you may notice that I have dropped the Gordon Simms name and went back to my real name. Or a nickname, anyway. In a true sign that I may be developing a split personality, I've decided to use this space for my usual wry commentary on the annoyances of suburban life and will use the Gordon Simms alias for my new Onion-style posts about current events and the world around us. You may be able to view Gordon Simms's stories on Buckley and Potfry's always hilarious blog, The Nose On Your Face. Or you may be able to view them at an address to be announced later. Or maybe both. I can't decide right now. I have to go to the bathroom.