Saturday, July 29, 2006

Let's Blow Stuff Up!!!

Day Eleven: July 28, 2006

Let the record show that Robert Skollar was NOT attracted to the principal. When he said he was strangely attracted to the discipline and severity, he was referring to the black-clad art gallery owner; the one who was like a severe German fraulein. A Deiterette, if you will. So the staff of the Bucharest Blog would like to apologize for this misinterpretation. Can I please come back to the set now? It’s awfully hot up here on the roof.

We are all so punchy right now. It’s that fun kind of punchy where everything is funny, especially the stuff that isn’t funny. We’re outside, finishing up the prep on this medieval castle wall. James is putting some honey into a bowl of yogurt. But he’s not trying very hard. He’s opened the little honey packet and is holding it high above the yogurt, just waiting for the honey to drip in. It’s amusing because I’m wondering just how long he’s willing to stand there.

Remember when we couldn’t find the medicine ball we really wanted? I think I know where it’s been hiding. There’s a guy standing around with his shirt pulled up to his chest and his round stomach exposed. He looks pregnant. I’m grossed out at first but then I think, wait! Girls walk around with belly shirts all the time. Why can’t this guy? Well, besides the fact that it’s gross.

We’re at the wall and Benita is standing on top of it. The rest of the crew stands on the ground, looking up at her. It looks like she’s trying to organize a junta. She’s delivering a safety speech, but it would be funny if, in the middle of all that, she says, “Steve* is in charge of the fire extinguishers. Harry needs to be ready to call the fire department. Underwear will be worn on your head from 2:30 to 7 pm.” (*Names have been changed because I can’t think of any Romanian names right now.)

Topher is wearing a Red Sox cap, or, as Sarah calls it, a Red Sox hat. She’s never heard of anyone calling it a cap. Of course, she was raised by wolves. Wearing a Red Sox cap in front of Robert? That’s the kind of thinking that’ll get him kicked off of Hasbro. Hey wait a sec…

Christy offered me some bug spray. It was in a bottle with no label. I’m supposed to spray on some unknown liquid in an unmarked bottle? That’s the kind of stuff Robert would drink out of a bottle cap at the foot of Dracula’s Castle! But it’s Christy, after all. She tells me she has a friend who makes it from scratch (mental note: call Homeland Security regarding Christy’s friend). So I spray it on and it’s a combination of alcohol and lavender and something else. I forget. Then Christy says that it doesn’t actually repel bugs but it keeps them from biting. And as far as I know, I didn’t get bitten once.

Topher and James just walked off with Kim. It’s never a good thing when producers caucus.

The guy with the fake smoke has just been told by Benita to “point the smoke towards Cleveland.” I have no idea what that means but a lot of what Benita says is a bit confusing. And that leads me to today’s list:

1. One grenade is all it would take (referring to the group of crew members who are making too much noise).
2. Point it towards Cleveland (see above).
3. Check the gate. If the gate is clean, we’re on the wrong set (we have this shot. Let’s go to the next location).
4. Excellent job (said with extreme sarcasm).
5. Quick quick like a bunny.
6. Will you buy it for a dollar?
7. Do it right or I take the pad away (said to the guy flying backwards off a castle),
8. We’re on the move.
9. Confidence is high
10. Let meknow when there's blood on the floor.

Get this: Sarah isn’t feeling well today so she stayed behind. We’re on the set for only a couple of hours and Stephanie puts the moves on Chariots of Fire. I guess it’s hard to be hot for someone who isn’t here. So he’s moved on to Stephanie. What a shoot slut.

Explosions! Fire! A fat guy on a rowboat!!! That sums up the shot we’re trying to get. It’s a fun little shot where two guys in a rowboat try to record the sounds of a real sea battle. It’s the magic of Hollywood here in some small town outside Bucharest. Action! 3! 2! 1! And then the BOOM! with the blast of heat from the explosion and some action in the water. We would probably shoot the hell out of it but we only have 3 or 4 charges. It’s Beavis and Butthead all over again.

After lunch, I got to teach “families” how to play games: Big Trouble and Yahtzee Turbo. They really got the hang of it pretty quickly so I’m thinking I’m a pretty good teacher. Then again, one of the groups only speak Romanian so they might just be humoring me,

The Canadian talent has showed up. They look refreshed and excited to be here. We spoke for a while. About what I cannot remember. But it occurs to me that, with the exception of my colleagues, it’s the first real conversation I’ve had in a long time. Viva Canada! They’re very well behaved, even when I ran into them later on at the Italian restaurant with the impossibly heavy menu. If they were obnoxious, would they be the ugly Canadians? I mean, I’ve seen the ugly American thing. I’ve been the ugly American thing. Ugly Canadian? I don’t think it exists. Ugly Romanian? Hell, yeah.

Chariots of Fire has changed his shirt. He’s wearing a white shirt that does not match his lime green shorts. Is he in mourning over not seeing Sarah? Sad that Stephanie isn’t responding to him? Upset that his advances on James are going unheeded (the previous statement is not confirmed, just mentioned)?

Liz went off to handle the wardrobe and set call with Hillary. What insight could I possibly add to something like that? I thought it would be a slam dunk but Liz disappeared for a long time. Next thing I know, we’re redoing the entire Big Trouble set. That game’s name is starting to get more and more ironic.

High comedy time. I download the Chariots of Fire theme song from iTunes. Never has such an awesome gag cost so little. The idea is to play it every time the guy walks by. But I’m not that patient so I’m just playing it all the time. Eleven days in Bucharest has seriously lowered the bar on what is and isn’t funny.

Ah, I must take the time to give mad props to Kelly. She took on the legal brick wall that is Leah and got her to sign off on the Cosmic Catch island shot that we all want. Thanks, Kelly! Feel free to bask in the glow of creative acceptance…at least until the next time you screw up.

Dinner has gone from a big outing of all of us going to some Romanian restaurant with some form of live dancing show to me and Christy and Kelly and Stephanie (with Special Guest James!). I don’t mind. I mean, how often do I get to dine with three beautiful women? And I’m not just saying that because they’re reading this and probably expect me to say that. And I’m not just making up for the comment I made when someone said it would be great to be dining with 3 hot woman and I said, “yeah, it would. Where are they?”

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